Confidence, a word I feel I’ve carried around with me like a weight on my shoulders all my life. Constant inner chatter that went something like, “If only I was #confident enough to do that.” “I wish I could do that/go there/try this but I’m not confident enough.” “I wish I was confident like so and so.” “Why can’t I just have more confidence?” And on and on and ON. Never giving myself a break, never talking to myself in a positive way and never feeling really good about myself or proud of my abilities. I used my lack of #confidence as an excuse not to push myself. I’ve always known that about myself but would still procrastinate when it came to moving from inaction to action and taking a plunge. I didn’t believe in myself or what I felt I could really achieve. As I have grown older I have most certainly grown in confidence. Training to be and working as a coach has also done wonders for my confidence in ways I could never have imagined and although I still have a way to go, I am now ‘going for it’ in a way I never would have before.
My own personal confidence story has sparked a big interest in the subject and I love coaching people around this and supporting them to change their mindsets around their confidence, their self-esteem and self belief and working with them to help them become their authentic selves.
Much of my confidence was (and still is) based around fear – namely, fear of failure. But now, instead of waiting for the fear to go before I try to do something, I ask myself “What’s the worst that could happen?” take that small brave step and go for it. As Susan Jeffers talks about in her book of the same title, “Feel the fear and do it anyway.” Fear is the one big hurdle in the way of my confidence. Fear holds us back and massively impacts our decision making and willingness to be stretched or stretch ourselves. If we don’t start looking at fear differently and using it to our advantage instead of as a blocker, we will always fail to take action. And when it comes to our goals, the thing that makes them happen is constant action.
We must look at confidence like a muscle that can be built up through practice and experience. Just like when you try out a new exercise routine, it takes time to strengthen the new muscles and to get good at the exercises. Look at how many times you might need to do something before you feel you have mastered it?
Next time you want to do something but doubt you have the confidence, stop and look at the fears and anxieties that are coming up. Address each one and ask yourself “Is there anything I can do to prevent this from happening? Anyone I can talk to? Anything I can research first?” Then ask yourself, “If I go for it and I fail, what is the worst that could happen?” and go for it anyway. Reframe that fear so it becomes development and growth. There is no such thing as failure, only feedback. Each time we fail at something, stop and ask yourself, “What did I learn from that experience?” This is so much better than saying, “I failed, I knew I would. What’s the point in trying again?” When you learn from your experiences you grow and you keep yourself open to a willingness to try again. In order to take action towards our goals we must become more relaxed with uncertainty and fear of the unknown and instead welcome the opportunity to try. Confident people are not fearless – they just possess a willingness to fail. They have reframed what others call failure to see it as an opportunity to learn and grow. They keep moving forward in spite of their fears. They are courageous. And as confidence IS something you can grow, you can be courageous too. So go on, “feel the fear and do it anyway.”
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